Anxiety, You Don’t Own Me.

Lately you have seen so many highs in my life, and you're probably wondering.. how can her life be that great all the time?  Well here's the truth, it wasn't. I'm sure you already know.. that social media only consists of the good, picture perfect, and highlight moments of people’s lives. That is pretty much what I had been doing. I had been through so many life changes in the last several months, and I didn't want people to label me for the negative ones. I wanted people to see the positive life changes. How great my life was. So that's what I posted. Yes, I'm 23 years old and I bought a house ALL BY MYSELF a few months ago. Yes, I have an amazing family and friends. Yes, I have two great dogs. Yes, I have an amazing job and work with incredible people everyday. But I had to go through SO many lows before I got here, and of course every day is not perfect, even now.

You see, if you asked me a year ago if I thought my life would look like this right now, I would have laughed in your face. A year ago, self assurance such as confidence, peace, self-control, joy, laughter, and prayer were almost non-existent in my life. In their place were things such as doubt, worry, distrust, fear, and anxiety; lots and lots of anxiety which resulted in the temporary loss of great friendships. I had become so self-absorbed in my own worry, fear, and doubt, that I could not see the good in everyday life and I could not love people the way I needed to. I didn’t think people cared about me at all, even though in reality they cared deeply for me.

Fast forward to five months ago, and I was at a loss once again. Something I never thought I would have to lose... The love of my life. My anxiety and fear drained me, and made the reality of the situation so much worse. I couldn’t function, I couldn't see God's plan for me, and I couldn't hear God's voice. I had never felt so far away from Him. He is what I had known for so long, and he was nowhere to be found.

It must also be noted that during this hard season of my life, I really thought God had marriage planned for me in the next couple of years. But see that’s the problem, it was “I thought”, not that I had prayed about it and was certain. See I hate admitting this..

It took losing this person to finally get down on my knees and pray. But I’ve realized that it shouldn’t have taken losing everything to be able to pray. Prayer is the way we communicate with our creator. It’s a two way conversation. We have to talk to Him to understand what He has planned for us. If we only expect for Him to speak to us, and expect to have to make the first call,  how can we expect that relationship to be strong? It’s like with any friendship or relationship, you have to make a daily effort for it to be strong and everlasting.

See, marriage is a commitment between two people. Each partner must truly want and believe in the promise to each other and uphold it. Just like with any relationship, it’s a two way street. Without the effort from both partners, what type of marriage would that result in? I can tell you it would probably be a weak one that would most likely fail. You cannot make someone be ready for something they’re not ready for, no matter how much you both love each other.

I couldn’t see that at the time, and ended up pushing one of the greatest people away that I had ever had the privilege of loving.

A good friend of mine finally told me the words I needed to hear. "Stop feeling sorry for yourself! Get up and PRAY to your creator. Afterall he knows your life, and what he has planned." At first, this was hard to hear. I am so beyond Type A, and want to plan every little thing in my life. But she was so right, and I finally listened. I asked God to tell me what he had planned for me, and you know what? I could hear him. CLEARLY. More clearly than I ever had before.

That’s when doors just began to bust open like crazy! I had been wanting for principals of the DFW area to call me for interviews at their schools, but before that hard loss in my life, it was really dry and I had heard from barely anyone. I had heard from maybe six schools, and had a total of three interviews. I had applied to fifteen different districts between January and the beginning of May. Nothing seemed to be happening, but the morning after the hard loss in my life happened, I kid you not.. The morning after.. I heard from four more schools. Then within that week, ten more, and the next week five more! I had five facetime interviews within those weeks, and five in person interviews set up for once school got out at the end of May. Once I arrived in DFW for those five interviews, I got even more callbacks. I got to have eight interviews that week instead of five.  By the end of June, I had twenty interviews within the last 27 days. (All Monday-Thursday as no one did Friday interviews). I was driving back and forth from Lubbock to DFW every three days practically. I put 10,000 more miles on my pickup between the end of May and the beginning of August. I also ate at the Keller Chickfila almost every day I was there, so I’m a little confused how I didn’t turn into a chicken nugget. Lol kinda kidding.

In the state I was in before this great spiritual awakening, I don’t think I would have ever been able to buy a house either. I had the mindset that I needed to be married first to be able to purchase anything huge. It was like I didn’t think I was capable enough of doing great things on my own. But I am more than capable. I can do anything I set my mind to (as I always tell my students). When I accepted the teaching position I have now in EMS ISD, thing all began to quickly fall together. I actually signed a contract on a different home than the one I bought the same day I accepted my job. But God knew that wasn’t the right home, and I found an even better and cheaper house. I was able to close on my house within 15 days of the contract being drawn. That’s really rare, as usually it takes at least 30 days to close.  If it would have been the traditional 30 days, I wouldn’t have been able to move in until almost August 18th. That would have been after school started, and my apartment was 4.5 hours away from my new school. That would have been exhausting.

If I wouldn’t have listened to my friend and had kept feeling sorry for myself, and had not called on God for guidance.. I would still be living in West Texas suffering from deep anxiety and fear, trying to plan my own life. Trust me there’s nothing wrong with West Texas, it is my home, I love it with all my heart, and always will. But God wanted me here. I would not have gotten here if I would have stayed in my worried, anxiety filled, doubtful, fearful, and self-pity state.

I want to tell you my story, because..

1. I think it’s super important that we are vulnerable with others. People need to know that we struggle, because they may be going through the same thing you’re going through or have already gone through what you’re experiencing and can help you through it. I tried so hard to not tell anyone about the situation, but couldn’t handle it. For me, It was too much, emotionally and spiritually. God created us to have relationships with each other. He wanted us to communicate, not bottle everything up inside until we burst! If you’re going through something hard, tell someone you trust! Get into a small group. That is one of the best things I have ever done for myself, is to join a small group.

2. You will fail if you try to plan everything. God created us, and he truly does have the best in mind for us. It’s so hard especially when you’re a Type A personality, like me, to allow someone else to have the reigns, but He is our creator. He knows every piece of us and what’s best for us.

3. You need to enjoy the right now. Stop trying to live in a moment that hasn’t been created yet. The future isn’t promised, heck even tomorrow isn’t promised. Enjoy your present circumstances, because you won’t ever get them back. You don’t know when your last day will be, or your loved ones. You don’t know when relationships will abruptly end. Enjoy the present moment, and cherish every second of it.

4. You need to do whatever you can to not let anxiety rule your life. Anxiety never does anyone any good, and it never helps the situation. It can’t rid us of our problems. It also doesn’t just affect you, it affects your loved ones too. It’s not worth worrying about anything in our lives, and it's so much easier to just be still and pray.